Reading The Tea Leaves

One of the things I love most about my wife is that we’re able to have frank conversations about men and women in relationships and not feel apologetic about our positions. This was a major reason I chose to Unhappen the dating scene.  In one such conversation we talked about how women bring the baggage of their cultural, personal and professional lives to each new dating relationship.  In order to get some clarity around her thesis, I described the following experience I had while still dating.

So I met a woman at a Christmas party. She had a great sense of humor, very intelligent and professionally independent and on-track. She was living in corporate housing because she was on a temporary assignment for her company and was to go back to her hometown of Minneapolis in a couple of months. We immediately connected chemically. Physically she was what I would best describe as curvy – a real plus for me.  Things seemed to be going well until it was time for her to go back to Minneapolis. I was ready to continue the relationship on a long distance basis to see where it would go. She wasn’t against it but suddenly became more demanding in her terms and conditions. I was confused by her sudden change of attitude.  We communicated after she left but the chemistry fizzled out and so did the relationship. Several months later I saw her again and she had lost a lot of weight. When I notice her she presented in a “wa lah” sort of way.

My wife explained that two issues were present as she saw it.

·         The culture of her home town was not affirming to women of color by men of color. Interracial marriage is very nearly the norm and so why would a man of color find her interesting enough to establish a distance relationship?

·         Her weight (as she saw it) was also an issue. She had not been affirmed by white men for being “curvy” and black men wouldn't affirm her because she was not white.

 Further, my wife thought that I should have been able to read this and be more empathetic towards her.  Well had I been able or even willing to read the tea leaves, I think sympathy or respect would have been a more appropriate response given the stage of our relationship. As a man, neither my reality nor temperament lends itself to me vicariously placing myself in her position. On the other hand, had I made a commitment to her, then empathy would have become the “working clothes” of my deal.

What’s the Lesson for me? Never commit unless you are ready to live by it. Women have to play a tough hand and the cards they drop may not always make sense to you. Take your time and read the tea leaves. Then commit solemnly if it feels right.