Managing Your Relationship Through Conflict

It’s important to understand that conflict and otten the anger that goes with it is going to happen if you’re in any meaningful intimate relationship over the long term. But before we talk about managing through conflict and anger, let’s distinguish between the two.

• According Dictionary.com conflict means to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash: e.g. The account of one eyewitness conflicted with that of the other. My class conflicts with my going to the concert.

• Anger on the other hand, is a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

So while conflict and anger often coexist, they are not the same. Conflict often exists first and anger develops during conflict resolution. When it comes to conflict resolution, anger is like an accelerant. The angrier you become, the more likely as a man you will say something that further ignites the conflict, thereby extinguishing any spark of hope of resolution.

In her book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict and in her latest book, Make Up Don't Break Up, Dr. Jamie Turndorf outlined the various dysfunctional ways that people act out their anger using what she calls Fight Traps. She classified them into two categories:

1.    Open Warfare – consists of those outright slaps in the face. These tactics are designed to hurt or pay back the person you are angry with. Open Warfare Fight Traps include: name-calling, verbal insults, character assassinations, I told you so, bringing up ancient history, and many more. 

2.    Secret Warfare – is subtler but just as dangerous. Secret Warfare tactics include: silent treatment, passive aggression (coming late, forgetting, withholding, etc.), indirect digs, paybacks, and so on.

As mature adults, we generally tend to shy away from open warfare since it diminishes the strength of our character as well as our argument. Some people snub name calling or insults – viewing that as a sign of inarticulateness. More people chose to exercise secret warfare, as it defers direct confrontation and is seen as a more civil form of fighting.

Fight Traps can be the kiss of death to your relationship, if you wish to resolve conflicts and experience harmonious loving relationships with friends and loved ones, you need to identify each and every Fight Trap that you use and permanently ditch them. If you do fall into a fight trap apologize for your hurtful actions see How to Apologize Effectively as quickly as possible to begin the healing process.

As men, we fight differently from women and our raw emotions tend to be right on the surface. Before we say anything, it’s best to “go to the balcony,” filter our emotions through the sieve of our intellect and say things that are authentic to your feelings but are helpful, beneficial and constructive to your relationship. This is an exercise in self-discipline, but with practice you will have mastered a skill incredibly beneficial to improving your relationships.

Reading The Tea Leaves

One of the things I love most about my wife is that we’re able to have frank conversations about men and women in relationships and not feel apologetic about our positions. This was a major reason I chose to Unhappen the dating scene.  In one such conversation we talked about how women bring the baggage of their cultural, personal and professional lives to each new dating relationship.  In order to get some clarity around her thesis, I described the following experience I had while still dating.

So I met a woman at a Christmas party. She had a great sense of humor, very intelligent and professionally independent and on-track. She was living in corporate housing because she was on a temporary assignment for her company and was to go back to her hometown of Minneapolis in a couple of months. We immediately connected chemically. Physically she was what I would best describe as curvy – a real plus for me.  Things seemed to be going well until it was time for her to go back to Minneapolis. I was ready to continue the relationship on a long distance basis to see where it would go. She wasn’t against it but suddenly became more demanding in her terms and conditions. I was confused by her sudden change of attitude.  We communicated after she left but the chemistry fizzled out and so did the relationship. Several months later I saw her again and she had lost a lot of weight. When I notice her she presented in a “wa lah” sort of way.

My wife explained that two issues were present as she saw it.

·         The culture of her home town was not affirming to women of color by men of color. Interracial marriage is very nearly the norm and so why would a man of color find her interesting enough to establish a distance relationship?

·         Her weight (as she saw it) was also an issue. She had not been affirmed by white men for being “curvy” and black men wouldn't affirm her because she was not white.

 Further, my wife thought that I should have been able to read this and be more empathetic towards her.  Well had I been able or even willing to read the tea leaves, I think sympathy or respect would have been a more appropriate response given the stage of our relationship. As a man, neither my reality nor temperament lends itself to me vicariously placing myself in her position. On the other hand, had I made a commitment to her, then empathy would have become the “working clothes” of my deal.

What’s the Lesson for me? Never commit unless you are ready to live by it. Women have to play a tough hand and the cards they drop may not always make sense to you. Take your time and read the tea leaves. Then commit solemnly if it feels right.