Using UnhappenIt

Empathy over Anger: Better Conflict Resolution

The words you choose can dramatically influence the outcome of a conflict you have with your mate.

Remember in my earlier post “Managing Your Relationship Though Conflict,” we asserted that often people conflate conflict and anger and consequentially invite anger to a disagreement unnecessarily.  For many men, anger diminishes our ability to rationally express our feelings – we lash out against other men by fighting physically; but against women we say things that we don’t mean or make little or are hurtful.  Although to a man this might be just “blowing off steam,” to a woman, words are her weapons of war and when used poorly words can hurt her deeply and strike a fatal blow to your relationship; either in the short run or long run.  According to Dr. Steven Stosny, author of “Love without Hurt” there are 10 commandments to regulating your anger:

1. Recognize anger as a signal of vulnerability - you feel devalued in some way.

2. When angry, think or do something that will make you feel more valuable, i.e., worthy of appreciation.

3. Don't trust your judgment when angry. Anger magnifies and amplifies only the negative aspects of an issue, distorting realistic appraisal.

4. Try to see the complexity of the issue. Anger requires narrow and rigid focus that ignores or oversimplifies context.

5. Strive to understand other people's perspectives. When angry you assume the worst or outright demonize the object of your anger.

6. Don't justify your anger. Instead, consider whether it will help you act in your long-term best interest.

7. Know your physical and mental resources. Anger is more likely to occur when tired, hungry, sick, confused, anxious, preoccupied, distracted, or overwhelmed.

8. Focus on improving and repairing rather than blaming. It's hard to stay angry without blaming and it's harder to blame when focused on repairing and improving.

9. When angry, remember your deepest values. Anger is about devaluing others, which is probably inconsistent with your deepest values.

10. Know that your temporary state of anger has prepared you to fight when you really need to learn more, solve a problem, or, if it involves a loved one, be more compassionate.

If you consider and practice these steps BEFORE you get into conflict with your mate, you should have a better outcome because your words will flow from a more constructive place and just maybe you won't have to kill someone. :-)

Preserving Your Relationship Through Unemployment

As most of us know, we’re in the longest recession in U.S. history. Men with stellar resumes can’t find jobs. Usually guys that have been in the workforce long enough to build great credentials have also built great responsibilities families with children and wives to support and bills to pay. The pressure of rejection and loss of self esteem can lead to conflict at home and a downward spiral that the children can’t ignore. Let me share a story of Dan, as told by his wife Caitlin Shetterly. I think it’s important to know that if you have an empathetic and supportive spouse in these incredibly hard times, two simple words, Thank you, can go a long way in avoiding the arguing and fighting that is often symptomatic in long-term unemployment.

6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud

By Caitlin Shetterly via Oprah.com

I remember it like this: It's January 2009 and our infant son is sleeping. We are sitting in our rented apartment in Los Angeles, one of the most expensive cities in America, where we had dreams of "making it" in Hollywood. My husband, Dan, a photographer, is out of work; every freelance job he had lined up through May has suddenly been canceled. We are in economic free fall. I turn to Dan and say, "I just want you to fix this."

His face crumples like a smashed pumpkin at Halloween. "I can't, Cait. This goes way beyond what I can do with my own two hands."

What has gone so wrong in our country, I wonder, that this man—this can-do guy—can't fix this? He repairs our broken chairs with dabs of Elmer's wood glue, and, when I was pregnant; he made and flipped the perfect high-protein pancake—for breakfast, lunch and dinner because anything else made me nauseous. He's got a huge toolbox, for crying out loud! There must be some kind of wrench or pliers in there that will work for this problem. Over the next two months, he goes door-to-door looking for any kind of job. He applies for hundreds online. He is rejected time and time again with the words "No jobs available" or, worse, silence. Finally, we drive across the country and move in with my mother, in Maine.

Fast forward: It's the fall of 2011, over two years since that night Dan told me he wasn't Superman. We've moved out of Mom's, and Dan went back to school and received an MFA. I, miraculously, was able to sell a book I wrote and to secure a series of freelance writing and teaching gigs to support us. I've become, at a time when I least expected to do so, the primary breadwinner.

At night, as Dan undresses before bed, I can see, just in the way he hangs his jeans on the back of the door, that the recession has left its mark. And although he doesn't tell me half of what I wish he would, if he were to say anything, I think it might go like this:

"I can't fix this. I know you want me to. But I can't." So, right, my husband actually did say this one out loud, when confronted with the sheer panic of his hormonal, brand-new-mommy wife. But I know that this is something any man who's been out of work would want to tell his spouse. And he'd also want her to hear how hard it is to admit.

"I don't know what I'm worth if I don't have a job." When we meet someone new and they ask Dan what he does, he hesitates. He's not sure if, when he stacks up all the meals he cooks, the childcare he does (uncomplainingly, I might add), the cleaning he puts his elbow grease into and all the effort that goes into every single phone call or query letter—if when he explains all this to a stranger, if these things he does, actually do add up to enough for himself, as a man.

"Hold me. I'm trying to hang tough over here, but I could use the basic warmth of you against me, shirt to shirt, skin to skin—something, anything—to let me know I'm not alone." I remember this one night, back when the final phone call came in that canceled that last job in May 2009. I had started making dinner and our new baby was gurgling in his bouncy seat. Dan got off the phone, came into the kitchen and said, "Give me the spoon, Cait. I'm making dinner." I said, "I can do it, honey." "Nope, I need to do something for us right now, and it's dinner." I can see now, as I remember the slope of his shoulders that night, that if he could've asked for it, what he needed more than that wooden spoon was the longest, gentlest hug I could give. I'm chagrined to tell you that I handed over the spoon but not the hug.

"At this point, I'm so terrified of rejection, I don't know how to go back out there and try again." As a multitasking, very verbal woman, I often inundate Dan with ideas of thisses or thats—the things he could do to get a job. And I frequently get silence in return. I've come to realize, finally, that it's not that he doesn't want to try my ideas. Instead, the problem is that Dan's wound is deep enough that it might take awhile to heal.

"I love you; I just don't love myself that much right now." Your husband might be telling you this already. Only it might come out like, "May I make you a sandwich to take to work with you?"

"Thank you." As in "Thank you for being the amazing superwoman you are, who is somehow managing to keep us financially afloat. Thank you for teaching me how to cook boeuf bourguignon; for noticing when I put a candle on the table for our dinner of beans and rice; and, mostly, thank you for loving me enough to hang in here and get back into bed with me every night. I didn't know the 'poorer' part of our vows would be tested for this long, but I do know I'm lucky to have you."

Okay, maybe Dan would say this out loud only if he were being played by Jim Sturgess in a movie and someone had written this down and made him memorize it...and, to boot, if I were Anne Hathaway. But what I do know, without a doubt, is that even though he might not say all the words I'd love to hear, he does say thank you, a whole hell of a lot—sometimes with real words and, often, with warm baths drawn and waiting when I come home from a long day.

Best Divorce Exchange Ever

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem

Managing Your Relationship Through Conflict

It’s important to understand that conflict and otten the anger that goes with it is going to happen if you’re in any meaningful intimate relationship over the long term. But before we talk about managing through conflict and anger, let’s distinguish between the two.

• According Dictionary.com conflict means to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash: e.g. The account of one eyewitness conflicted with that of the other. My class conflicts with my going to the concert.

• Anger on the other hand, is a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

So while conflict and anger often coexist, they are not the same. Conflict often exists first and anger develops during conflict resolution. When it comes to conflict resolution, anger is like an accelerant. The angrier you become, the more likely as a man you will say something that further ignites the conflict, thereby extinguishing any spark of hope of resolution.

In her book, Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict and in her latest book, Make Up Don't Break Up, Dr. Jamie Turndorf outlined the various dysfunctional ways that people act out their anger using what she calls Fight Traps. She classified them into two categories:

1.    Open Warfare – consists of those outright slaps in the face. These tactics are designed to hurt or pay back the person you are angry with. Open Warfare Fight Traps include: name-calling, verbal insults, character assassinations, I told you so, bringing up ancient history, and many more. 

2.    Secret Warfare – is subtler but just as dangerous. Secret Warfare tactics include: silent treatment, passive aggression (coming late, forgetting, withholding, etc.), indirect digs, paybacks, and so on.

As mature adults, we generally tend to shy away from open warfare since it diminishes the strength of our character as well as our argument. Some people snub name calling or insults – viewing that as a sign of inarticulateness. More people chose to exercise secret warfare, as it defers direct confrontation and is seen as a more civil form of fighting.

Fight Traps can be the kiss of death to your relationship, if you wish to resolve conflicts and experience harmonious loving relationships with friends and loved ones, you need to identify each and every Fight Trap that you use and permanently ditch them. If you do fall into a fight trap apologize for your hurtful actions see How to Apologize Effectively as quickly as possible to begin the healing process.

As men, we fight differently from women and our raw emotions tend to be right on the surface. Before we say anything, it’s best to “go to the balcony,” filter our emotions through the sieve of our intellect and say things that are authentic to your feelings but are helpful, beneficial and constructive to your relationship. This is an exercise in self-discipline, but with practice you will have mastered a skill incredibly beneficial to improving your relationships.

Reading The Tea Leaves

One of the things I love most about my wife is that we’re able to have frank conversations about men and women in relationships and not feel apologetic about our positions. This was a major reason I chose to Unhappen the dating scene.  In one such conversation we talked about how women bring the baggage of their cultural, personal and professional lives to each new dating relationship.  In order to get some clarity around her thesis, I described the following experience I had while still dating.

So I met a woman at a Christmas party. She had a great sense of humor, very intelligent and professionally independent and on-track. She was living in corporate housing because she was on a temporary assignment for her company and was to go back to her hometown of Minneapolis in a couple of months. We immediately connected chemically. Physically she was what I would best describe as curvy – a real plus for me.  Things seemed to be going well until it was time for her to go back to Minneapolis. I was ready to continue the relationship on a long distance basis to see where it would go. She wasn’t against it but suddenly became more demanding in her terms and conditions. I was confused by her sudden change of attitude.  We communicated after she left but the chemistry fizzled out and so did the relationship. Several months later I saw her again and she had lost a lot of weight. When I notice her she presented in a “wa lah” sort of way.

My wife explained that two issues were present as she saw it.

·         The culture of her home town was not affirming to women of color by men of color. Interracial marriage is very nearly the norm and so why would a man of color find her interesting enough to establish a distance relationship?

·         Her weight (as she saw it) was also an issue. She had not been affirmed by white men for being “curvy” and black men wouldn't affirm her because she was not white.

 Further, my wife thought that I should have been able to read this and be more empathetic towards her.  Well had I been able or even willing to read the tea leaves, I think sympathy or respect would have been a more appropriate response given the stage of our relationship. As a man, neither my reality nor temperament lends itself to me vicariously placing myself in her position. On the other hand, had I made a commitment to her, then empathy would have become the “working clothes” of my deal.

What’s the Lesson for me? Never commit unless you are ready to live by it. Women have to play a tough hand and the cards they drop may not always make sense to you. Take your time and read the tea leaves. Then commit solemnly if it feels right.