The words you choose can dramatically influence the outcome of a conflict you have with your mate.
Remember in my earlier post “Managing Your Relationship Though Conflict,” we asserted that often people conflate conflict and anger and consequentially invite anger to a disagreement unnecessarily. For many men, anger diminishes our ability to rationally express our feelings – we lash out against other men by fighting physically; but against women we say things that we don’t mean or make little or are hurtful. Although to a man this might be just “blowing off steam,” to a woman, words are her weapons of war and when used poorly words can hurt her deeply and strike a fatal blow to your relationship; either in the short run or long run. According to Dr. Steven Stosny, author of “Love without Hurt” there are 10 commandments to regulating your anger:
1. Recognize anger as a signal of vulnerability - you feel devalued in some way.
2. When angry, think or do something that will make you feel more valuable, i.e., worthy of appreciation.
3. Don't trust your judgment when angry. Anger magnifies and amplifies only the negative aspects of an issue, distorting realistic appraisal.
4. Try to see the complexity of the issue. Anger requires narrow and rigid focus that ignores or oversimplifies context.
5. Strive to understand other people's perspectives. When angry you assume the worst or outright demonize the object of your anger.
6. Don't justify your anger. Instead, consider whether it will help you act in your long-term best interest.
7. Know your physical and mental resources. Anger is more likely to occur when tired, hungry, sick, confused, anxious, preoccupied, distracted, or overwhelmed.
8. Focus on improving and repairing rather than blaming. It's hard to stay angry without blaming and it's harder to blame when focused on repairing and improving.
9. When angry, remember your deepest values. Anger is about devaluing others, which is probably inconsistent with your deepest values.
10. Know that your temporary state of anger has prepared you to fight when you really need to learn more, solve a problem, or, if it involves a loved one, be more compassionate.
If you consider and practice these steps BEFORE you get into conflict with your mate, you should have a better outcome because your words will flow from a more constructive place and just maybe you won't have to kill someone. :-)
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